Whenever I am alone, I think about it. Was it my destiny ? Why did it happen that way ? Is it normal to feel it’s just part of life’s challenges ?
What if I had screamed louder ? Would he have killed me ? I don’t want to die this way maybe that’s why I didn’t scream enough. If I tell people my story, will they believe me ? Would I be blamed for going to his house? I guess I deserve it but the truth is nobody does.
I thought I was supposed to be strong to defend myself but where did all my strength go?
But he is my friend. Why didn’t he listen to my cry ? Why didn’t he have sympathy even just for the sake of our friendship. Was he hearing Yes even while I was saying No ?
I’ve been scarred! I’ve been defiled! I cried out loud
What hurts most is I was defiled by someone I called a friend, someone I would confide in.
Who can I confide in? Mom ? No way!
The fear of stigma creeped in. I don’t know which is worse. The psychological truma that comes after, or the pain I felt at that moment when I was being defiled.
No no no the psychological truma outweighs everything with thoughts of the possibility of being pregnant for a rapist and thoughts of the possible diseases I could have contracted from an act I am innocent of.
I wiped my tears and said to myself “My virginity has been a source of pride to me. He has taken away something so precious and valued. I would take away something he values too”.
I went to the kitchen and took a kitchen knife, hid it in my hand bag. I went to his house. Upon seeing me, he fell on his knees in tears, crying and pleading for forgiveness. I smiled like everything is fine and explained that I understood it was never his intentions to hurt me. I asked for a hug which he sheepishly gave me and I took the knife out of my bag with rage in my heart and stabbed him at the back. He fell to the ground and that was when I realized the gravity of what I had done. I just killed someone!
I cried out for help not minding that every evidence points to me. I just wanted him to survive. I would never had done that in my right senses but I was controlled by rage.
With the arrival of the neighbours who called on the police and ambulance, I knew I was doomed. I was taken away by the police and labelled a murderer. No one believed me when I said I was raped. They only saw the evil I had done. The fear of stigma to talk about what I was going through with anyone led me to this irrational decision. I was once just scarred but now a murderer

Written by

Elemue Tuvie.

Delta State University, Abraka, NIGERIA