Few years back,I decided to have sex with my then boyfriend even though I wasn’t ready,but after a few trial, It was really painful and he was unable to penetrate. Well, I wasnt ready. Then I thought he could not penetrate because I wasn’t ready mentally. For someone who gets aroused after watching a few kissing scenes in movies or reading a few intimate lines in books, it should not be difficult to have sex.

Fast forward to a year ago when I felt I was ready. I decided to try it again with my then boyfriend who is now my husband. It was still the same thing. He could not penetrate and it was so painful to me. I’ve had a lot of near rape experience that I had to cry and beg but I didn’t think that trauma would be a reason why I would be so scared of sex and no one would be able to penetrate.

Still A Virgin Even After Marriage

My husband suggested that we wait till after marriage, that maybe then my fear would be gone.Well, I married the sweetest man on earth so he understood me. We got married late last year and it was really difficult. I was so scared of sex, my heart beats fast at the mention of sex and he can’t even penetrate. I get aroused after watching movies or reading books. Sometimes i’d go to him that we should try but the momemt he comes closer, I’d be so close to tears because of fear and while he’s still trying to penetrate. Yes I was still a virgin even after marriage and I could not tell anyone. My friends asked me how my wedding night was and I kept lying about it and told them my Imagination. I decribed it as if it was real.

After seven months,when the same thing kept happening, my husband asked that we see a sex therapist. A sex therapist? Is that how bad it is? We can continue trying! Those were the questions I asked and things I said to him. After a while he was able to persuade me and we met one. I was really embarrassed but I wanted to know why I have to go through all of that.

The Sex Therapist…

I went to see a sex therapist yesterday and I was told I was suffering from genophobia due to vaginismus and PTSD. My near rape experiences because it was two, created a big fear and it’s affecting my sexual life. “So what is vaginismus and why is it affecting me aswell?” I asked the therapist.
Vaginismus is the body’s automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. Whenever penetration is attempted, your vaginal muscles tighten up on their own. And Genophobia is the fear of sex or sexual intimacy. So this is the reason I can’t have sex.

The therapist told me I’d be fine after a few therapy session and if I’m still experiencing it after then, then hymenotomy (surgical incision of the hymen) would be performed for me. Is it that bad? After my session with the therapist that day,my husband took me home and I decided to do my own research.

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How Do You Know You Have Vaginismus?

After my own research, I discovered that you can get vaginismus even if you are not a virgin even if you had previously enjoyed previous painless sex. Also, it doesn’t affect your ability to be aroused or enjoy other forms of physical contact.
You have vaginismus when you find it hard inserting a tampon into your vagina, you struggle with vaginal penetration during sex, you feel burning or stinging pain during sex and you become so scared of sex.
This makes sense now, this explains what I’ve been experiencing.

What Are The Causes of Vaginismus And Genophobia?

Some of the things that are believed to be the cause of vaginismus are; fearing that your vagina is too small, a bad first sexual experience, an unpleasant medical examination, believing sex is shameful or wrong, a painful medical condition, like thrush and PTSD(like my own case)

How To Treat It And Go About It

One of the things you can do to treat it is manage your feelings around penetration,take your mind off your PTSD, get over your trauma,exercise regularly and see a therapist.
You don’t have to rush, it might take a while. And if these treatments aren’t working then hymenectomy would be performed,even after it is performed you still have to get over your fear for sex. So everything results to managing your feelings and trauma. For someone like me,I need to get over my PTSD, then my fear for sex. This will solve my Genophobia and Vaginismus.

Like wow! If I’m being honest, I don’t want to reach that stage where I have to be operated on. I’m starting my treatments next week and I really hope it works and I hope I get over this fear and trauma. I hope this therapy works so pray for me.

About The Writer

Writer: Jolayemi ifedolapo

University of medical sciences, Ondo State, Nigeria.

Ifedolapo is a 400lvl physiology student in unimed, she published her first novel titled “prime suspect” in 2020. She’s presently working on a project titled “affliction” and it’s about Antisocial personality disorder. She has Passion for writing and started writing when she was 8.